John Cleese: ‘Syria and Alert to threats in Europe’

BREAKING: Baguettes Not Bombs: Hollande may be forced to take ‘French leave’ with Syria

21st Century Wire says… When this story was originally published there was speculation as to who the real author was, with most people saying that it was he of Monty Python fame. Based on the skilled prose, we’d have to agree with the mob on this one. A masterpiece nonetheless...

By John Cleese

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”


Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

A final thought – ” Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC”.

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  • Astraea Shaw

    I do not know what to say because I am just helpless. How does anyone come to have such a brilliant wit – which makes me laugh too much to be able to say anything?

    How English he is!

  • Charlie Primero

    Pretty funny. Cleese is correct. We are on the verge of 430 BC. The one-world government is attempting to establish and new one-world religion which will destroy freedom and sink us into a new Dark Ages, just like the Vatican did with the fancy new state religion Constantine employed.

    Good if you are a multi-billionaire who sits atop that government hierarchy of control and taxation extracting sustenance from the masses. Not so good if you are a working peasant trying to eek out a living for your family.

  • Heywood Jablomy

    More truth in humor than there is in govn’t…:-) ..bloody brilliant Mr. Cleese.

  • Kat

    Cleese has still got it. Only a comic genius could evoke a belly laugh from someone who doesn’t usually subscribe to racial stereotyping, shamlessly employing cartoon stereotypes that are 50 years past their sell-by date!

  • Ron Chandler

    Actually, the Aussies DO have a higher-still alert level: it’s “the footy’s cancelled!”

  • RM

    Brilliant, laughed out loud for almost the whole reading, he has not lost a bit of his genius wit.

    • KIdGallahad

      I think what made me laugh most was that i was anticipating a serious article by a celebrity, but it turned out to be classic Cleese. And the part about the Spanish Navy :)))

  • Peter

    John Cleese is probably the best English comedian in the world. He humors the English with flair and flaunt it’s diversity. I can even visualize his talk on the matter. He’s very funny. Only John!

  • https://paul.kishimoto.name/ Paul Kishimoto

    The sole link in the article points to a page that reads, “No, John didn’t write that. It was written by a Brit called John Humberstone, according to some unreliable sources I found online. But I know John’s style; that’s not it. Nine times out of ten, anything attributed to a celebrity wasn’t actually written or said by that celebrity.”

    So, “21st Century Wire” has played a secondary joke, on everyone who reads this article and is too lazy to click the link. Bravo!

    • MrBliss

      My guess is that you’re right, Paul. The Spanish Navy joke, which is decades old, is a dead giveaway. As is the country-by-country premise being beaten to death.

  • Arthur Dent

    Not by John Cleese. Check your Snopes.

    • Rosemary Papaeliou

      Depends: if his ‘Faulty Towers’ scripts were written by him I could give him credit for this, if not, NO.

      (Remember that it was after Ronnie Barker’s death that we learned the truth: that he was not only a brilliant comic actor but an outstanding script-writer. So maybe we should wait a while.)

  • Mary Ann Arlotta

    This prose is classic John Cleese and well taken, but what gets me about this issue with Syria is “why”. Why does Assad allow footage of attacking schools, kids, for no apparent reason. For a year he has been warning countries not to interfere yet he makes sure he shows gassing these kids, not towns, or churches, or places of business—kids. This man is trying to provoke a war, but for what reason?

  • http://www.rwordplay.com rwordplay

    Very amusing. All the more amusing as it hews so closely to what may be true.

  • Kes

    Thank goodness we have rather improved plumbing.

  • Bruce Van Horn

    Oh, I needed that! Haven’t laughed that hard and loud in long time. Crikey!

  • zaggy3110 .

    Oh, please John. You’re no fun anymore.

    A german

    • Arne Peleman

      ‘Dont mention the war’

      (He mentioned it once, but it seems he didn’t got away with it. Again.)

      A Belgian (who loved this text)

    • Tykian

      Just proving once again that the German`s never could take a joke.

      Which is funny, because I`m pretty sure we decided twice throughout history, that that`s what you were.

  • pierredm

    brilliant. and what about us, the proud Belgians, strongest of all (in the pub ?) according to Julius Caesar himself !?

  • marinagp

    brilliant.

  • Eddie

    Come on, 21st Century Wire, a simple snopes search will show you it was not written by him – but is nevertheless a funny bit of recycled material: http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/terrorismalert.asp

  • Wouter Murrath

    Thanks John, for this (yet again) spark of genius. I doubt however that HRM QE will see this as enough to cough up that OBE for you… :-)

  • http://tinyurl.com/3kurlm2 Intbel

    Since this piece was written, Britain has incresd its levels, in varying degrees, from “Put the kettle, on, shall I?” to “God save the Queen”, the actual wording of the latter being “God save the monarch” partly for reasons of political correctness and partly because the current encumbent could expire at any moment.

    Of course, in the unlikely event Charlie takes the throne, the currently used “God save the Queen” would continue for a while.

  • Last Honest Lawyer

    Brilliant!

  • spacepilot3000

    Before this man dies they need to download his whole personality into a robot so the future generations can enjoy his escapades like I have countless times for 30 years.

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